Easter feels hard this year, I’m wrestling with so many feelings. I think the main being anger if I’m honest. Last year at this time I was in a good relationship with Jordan’s birth mom, I invited her to church for Easter Sunday and she said yes, until I was on my way and she changed her mind. It’s hard not to wonder if things would’ve been different if she came.
I had so many expectations of how this would all go, I wanted a beautiful reunification story. I wanted the cycle to be broken and the boy I deeply loved to always have that safety and security, knowing a Mother’s love. I wanted to stay in their lives and partner with a family being restored by God. I wanted my daughter to always know her “brother” and spend birthdays and play dates together. But instead she asks me “hey Mom can Jordan come over today?” And I choke back hot tears and have no idea what to say. How to explain this mind blowing tragedy that befell us. She is too young for this. I think I am too.
I imagined our foster journey so differently - caring for many children, maybe adopting one or two. Advocating for the voiceless and reunifying others with their parents. I started this off passionate and fiery, I wanted to partner with God and pour my life out for the kids that needed us. Now we aren’t quite sure where we stand, how we can keep fighting for this cause we know is so worth it, but has worn us down to the bone. I’m confident we are not finished, but it’s a struggle not to become jaded. Our story is a tough one, and I wrestle with thoughts everyday of how I’m going to explain it to my precious girls. We were abruptly thrown into the middle of a storm, came up for air for a quick second and then entered another, fighting to adopt baby sis. I’m one hundred percent sure it’s where we are supposed to be, but man, I am tired.
The grief seems to compound some days and I’m sifting through the layers as life moves swiftly on. I know God is good and faithful. He has never left us. Not once.
Sometimes he allows us to sit in the mourning, Jesus sat in the garden the night of his betrayal and asked if there was any way the cup be taken from him. He felt the full weight and heaviness that night. He came and walked in our humanity and was a man “acquainted with grief”. I don’t think my strong emotions surprise him, he gives permission for us to be in that place. He died so that we could forever have that nearness of the Father. I’m so thankful for that, I don’t think we would have made it through this season with out the “peace that passes understanding” the bible speaks of. I miss Jordan more than words can say right now, and I wish he was with us. But he is celebrating in heaven, as safe and as joyful as he could possibly be.
This Easter, I’m humbled even more so by the death and sacrifice of Jesus. God willingly gave his son, a depth of pain I’m not even close to! He went through gut-wrenching pain so that we could be free and have life with him forever. We can now grieve in this life but with HOPE. My pastor recently preached a message about being in hard seasons and feeling like God is silent. He referenced the Saturday before the resurrection, Jesus had been crucified and everyone sat in their sorrow. They had so many questions and deep grief and they didn’t know the end of the story...that Sunday was coming! We all have those seasons that feel like “saturdays”, the trials and storms that this fallen world come with. But it’s not the end. Yes I’m hurting and questioning and grieving, but I’m also rejoicing because I know the REDEEMER.