Baby boy

I’m officially a boy Mom again! After many calls and saying yes to placements that fell through- we were asked if we had an opening for an 8 week old baby. Sam and I knew instantly that was our yes and we had so much peace. Which was good because he arrived 30 minutes later! It was all a bit surreal- the paperwork, the caseworkers sitting at my kitchen table, a new life with wide eyes staring at me from a carseat that seemed to swallow his tiny body. I held him as I signed forms and he instantly fell asleep, so precious and peaceful. It was February 20th.

It’s a strange thing getting a baby that you know nothing about at 11 o’clock at night. The first night I barely slept, we were just learning each other and locking eyes. Lots of prayers and emotions! He stayed mostly on my chest, eating and sleeping until morning. The girls woke up to a real life baby doll and they were over the moon excited!! I thought maybe that excitement would dwindle but it’s been 4 months and they still feel the same way about him…we are all pretty smitten. He’s been a gentle, calming presence in our home and I’ve been so thankful we said yes and didn’t allow the fear to stop us from obeying the Lord and doing this again. I was worried how my second daughter would handle all the change, but she has done so well! It’s given her purpose and helped her grow and heal. He calms her like nothing else has and I’m convinced it’s done more than therapy could. She often is first to volunteer to pick out his clothes or feed him the bottle and sing to him in the mornings. The sweetest bond!

What I didn’t anticipate this time around, was all the medical needs he would have. While he is a sweetie pie, he has a lot of health conditions and a long list of specialists and appointments. I jumped into the deep end with referrals, Medicaid, long drives and waitlists. It felt like a full time job and I was very grateful to be a stay at home mom and have flexibility with homeschooling. We have therapists and case workers in and out of our home on a weekly basis. He is SO worth it, but it was a lot the first few months coupled with very little sleep and our whole family adjusting to a huge change. Thankfully we have the sweetest village and family living near us this time around. The girls get special dates with Nana and Auntie while little man is able to have my full attention as we go see his specialists. God gave so much grace and continues to when I’m running on fumes. Already in a short time we are seeing huge improvements and so many answered prayers! It’s the biggest privilege to see him come alive and do so well. There are still some unknowns with his health, but we trust the One who does know and will sustain us through every up and down. Right now our current prayer is that his brain would be fully and completely healed!

Sometimes I’m a little afraid by how quickly we all attached and bonded to him, and him to us. I feel such a fierce, protective instinct for him and the court days and phone meetings have been really tough for me. His case is sad and dramatic, as most foster cases are. It’s by far the hardest part, to just wait and feel so out of control you could scream. We’ve already been in this before and seen the very worst so it’s hard to hope sometimes. Things move at the speed of a turtle and you rarely get any answers when you want them. You love the child like they are your own flesh and blood, day and night, 24/7- but then you are quickly reminded they are not. Most things about foster care are so unnatural and go against all your instincts, but you have to take deep breaths and pray your way through.

So that is our current update without getting into all the details of his case. For me, it’s been a constant battle to kick fear out and not let it cripple me. I know this is a new journey and I want to trust the Lord and not get triggered by our past. I feel so purposeful most days, and this little guy has brought such joy into our home! So we will keep doing this chaotic, gut wrenching foster care thing because it’s always worth it…to love.