on waiting

The week I sent out our wedding invitations to 250 people I got a call from my husband saying he didn't know if our wedding date would work with his schedule anymore. He had just started deployments from his new station in Virginia and I was trying my best to catch on to the unpredictability that seemed to be our new life. He would constantly saying things like "we will just have to wait and see". Only I'm not really a wait and see kinda person so that made me want to punch a wall. I laugh now because that was a good early lesson in trusting the Lord and being patient in chaos. But as we all know that lesson is one that comes up over and over!

We did have our wedding, God is good:)

We did have our wedding, God is good:)

Waiting is so hard. And waiting well is even harder. Usually we are aware we're in a season of it, but we don't see an end in sight and its just so hard to hold onto that glimmer of hope and trust that God sees us and is with us in that place. I do feel like God's teaching my stubborn heart through this recurring theme, even if I kick and scream a bit. Its been through little things in the military life like waiting on Sam to get home from deployment, to waiting on orders of where and when we are moving next. More recently I've felt it in trying for a baby and wondering if I was ever going to be a Mom, my deepest desire. The Foster care process has brought on a whole new dimension of waiting that has made me grit my teeth and wonder "what the heck is going on?" I feel like I've jumped through every hoop and followed every step, yet its not giving me the results I thought, in the timing I wanted.

It is true that some people may find they have to wait in the hall for a considerable time, while others feel certain almost at once which door they must knock at. I do not know why there is this difference, but I am sure God keep no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait.
— C.S. Lewis

I love this quote, because I have felt it's truth in my life-even if it didn't feel good at the time. God is faithful and he can see the big picture, we only get a glimpse and we focus so hard on what is in front of us right now...it consumes us. I've felt guilty for always looking ahead for the next best thing, instead of being content with where God has me. And the truth is we miss out, on our husband, kids, relationships, ministry opportunities, etc. For a while I was obsessed with having a baby and I didn't want to be told no. I did everything in my power to make it happen and it was exhausting. God began to get my attention and loosen my tight grip on what I thought was the perfect plan. Looking back now I am so thankful because it really led us to a beautiful surrender process. Of giving up our ideas of how to grow our family and allow God to put a passion in our souls for foster care and adoption. I'm not sure we would be where we are if I had gotten my way.

Waiting is a refinement process. It's letting God chip away at our selfishness and independence. It's painful, but it pushes us towards Him so He can direct our steps and get us to the very places He is calling us to. I wrote a prayer down in my journal a few months back and it is where I want my heart to be in these seasons...

"Lord help me trust you because I know you are a good Father and you love me and have wonderful things ahead. Let me not become bitter, impatient, angry or fearful in the waiting. Help me grow and learn from his season and be present, not always looking for the next best thing but soaking in each day knowing you are working things out for my benefit. Keep my eyes on you and strengthen my heart. I trust you to bring purpose where I'm at today."