I have always wanted to be a mom. I never really had huge career plans, I just knew I definitely wanted to get married and have a family. Lately, I wasn't totally sure how my motherhood journey was going to begin. We had taken the Foster plunge (see last post) and as much as I wrestled with that decision, eventually I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be. It was a wonderful feeling. Right away doors were opening with unique opportunities, and our licensing process was moving really quickly. Part of the reason for that being that we got connected to a family that was looking for a foster home for a sweet baby girl. It was looking like it may even turn into adoption. As many of you know with the foster/adopt world, I can't give much detail, but basically things were looking like we might be getting our first placement rather quickly-and it was blowing my mind that she could possibly be our daughter. We met her and lets just say my heart melted. And then my husband held her and it melted again into a pile of sappy mush!
Time passed and we continued through the foster process and hit a lot of red tape with getting "baby girl". It was a lot of up and down and I felt pretty emotional about it, even though not a whole lot had even happened. My husband says it was a good "welcome to foster care" introduction for us! While all this was going on Sam left on a two week deployment for work. Now this is the big story twist...I had this weird feeling I was pregnant. I've had that feeling way too many times before and it always ended in disappointment so I was not wanting to even take the test. But I took one look at my calendar and realized how late my period actually was and gasped! So I took it. And it was an instant positive! I was shaking like a leaf and just staring in disbelief. I wish I could say I started twirling around and praising the Lord (I mean this is THE moment I've been waiting for!) but I actually just felt shock and confusion. It was almost like a "is this a joke?" moment. I just could not see how this was God's perfect timing, it seemed insane to me. I had finally surrendered my desires and taken this big step of obedience, towards a ministry I was becoming so passionate about. We were in the thick of our paperwork, and also thinking we might be getting this baby in a few weeks! I didn't think I could do both. I didn't think Sam would want to do both! (and why did I have to find this out right when he is going to be gone for 2 weeks?!)
Somehow I kept this news from Sam until he got home...and let's just say that was the longest 2 weeks of my life! I just had to tell him in person and see his face. It was truly worth it=) By the time he got back I had settled down a bit, I had some time to process and let God speak to me. I felt so guilty for not being completely thrilled and ecstatic right off the bat! Sam however, did have this reaction so I was able to redeem that moment as I told him and we got to do the happy dance together! God is so good like that. I really am SO incredibly thankful for this precious gift and answer to prayer!! Seeing Sam react in such a positive way and be so excited about having a baby, and still be confident about our fostering decision was a beautiful thing for my heart...he is such a gem! While I was praying one day God had reminded me of how I had prayed for twins. This of course wasn't quite what I had envisioned, but hey it'll be two babies! I had to smile when that was one of the first things my husband said when I told him. He said "well wow, this will be like twins honey! Pretty cool". Soon after this we found out that we would not be getting "baby girl" after all, but we are in fact having a little girl in October! (*tears of joy*)
I've been saying lately that God sure has a sense of humor. And while I know that is true, He is also sovereign and knows what is best for us in every way. He knew the timing and details of our fostering journey and this pregnancy and He is not shocked. He has led us here and will equip us to handle the children he places in our homes. I was listening to a podcast this week and she had a quote she had heard that said "God will not lead us where His grace is not capable of keeping us". I know some people think we are a little crazy for going through with our license while pregnant, but my response is that God often calls us to super crazy things. Things that are way out of our comfort zone, things that require us to lean on HIS strength and grace in new ways. This is how we live out the gospel. There are still a lot of unknowns, but HE knows and His perfect love drives out fear.