I feel like the last few months have been an awkward stage of limbo. There have been so many big things we're anticipating, but none of them have happened as I thought, and it's been breeding a yucky spirit of discontent in me. We've been waiting for our foster license to finally be official, we are currently house hunting (which quickly turns into a full time job!) and our sweet baby is due in just a few short months! I've been frustrated, feeling like I can't settle because I don't know whats going on...maybe part of that is the "nesting" thing they talk about in pregnancy. I would love to blame it all on that, but it's mostly because I'm a restless human trying to form all these great plans on my own, forgetting to rest in the presence of Jesus and trust HIM to take care of our day-to-day. I was very humbled the other night in my prayer time, just realizing that every single thing I'm "stressed" about is actually a wonderful thing, a beautiful answered prayer. Sure the timing of everything can seem slightly overwhelming and maybe the answer didn't look like I thought, but when I pause and look up I just have to be thankful. I was reminded that it's a gift and privilege to care for these children that will soon enter our home. It's a gift and privilege to be even considering buying our first home together (even if the process has quickly worn me out and our realtor is sick of my voice!). And the biggest gift is that we will soon have our first baby girl, Eleanor June and become a family. I know that this season is precious and I need to soak it in. I'm feeling God's presence in a whole new way as this baby grows and dances around in there!
Another thing that has come to my attention in this limbo season is how quickly I run to other people, before I come to the Lord. We all have our "tribe", the people we feel comfortable texting at 2am, the ones that let us vent or give us advice when we need it. It's a huge blessing to have those people, don't get me wrong! It's just the fact that we often run to them first, when really we need to be still and listen to what God would say above anything else. It's so not easy, especially because listening for the Lord takes time and attention, that we can be so unwilling to give when we are frazzled or in crisis. I care so much about other people's opinions and how they perceive me, why do I value that so much? I've let people sway me even in our choice to pursue fostering. Even when I clearly knew it was from the Lord and felt His peace, when I took my eyes off of Him I got fearful. Fearful that people were right, that maybe it was going to be too hard. Maybe it will hurt our family and I won't be strong enough to handle such heavy burdens. We get cloudy and confused when we let too many voices in, even the well-intentioned ones.
I was reading Galatians 1:10 which says "Am I trying to win the approval of human beings or of God? Am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people I would not be a servant of Christ".
I want to be more intentional about bringing these things to the Lord and hearing His voice as we make decisions. I'm not the author of my story but I know the One who is and I want to surrender to Him and His plan....because it's the best!