Finally

We are just days away from adoption and it just feels totally surreal. I’m waiting for my brain to catch up and process all that the last two years held, but I think in some ways I’ll be processing our story for the rest of my life. When God writes it, there are layers of complexity and intricate details we can’t grasp right away, nor are we meant to.

Life has seasons and some winters feel extra long, but doesn’t that make the sunshine and sprouting of new life that much more wonderful? We think the cold, barren places might swallow us up but it’s in the waiting that our roots are going down deep so we can withstand future storms, stronger and more resilient. The most precious gifts are grown in the waiting seasons- they mark us and remind us of who God is, faithful and never changing. A lot of it won’t feel like a gift when you are looking through a lens of pain. It mostly just feels hard and wearisome. But I’ve found that He is so much more interested in the process and what we do when we are forced to wait. We want the answered prayer, the miracle, the healing, the breakthrough and we get increasingly more uncomfortable when we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. The longer the wait, the harder it can be to hold on- even other people start losing their faith for you and begin to feel the weight of the journey. Tragedy challenges our theology and we aren’t sure what to do with that discomfort or how to respond. I remember after 2019 fully kicked my butt, I was praying and heard God ask “what if this lasts another year or two? Would you still trust me?” I thought I was going to punch a wall- my gut reaction was “I think I might actually die if this goes on another year! I’m DONE.” But through some ranting and crying I realized I was at a sort of crossroads and had to make a choice. I can’t live another year waiting for a date and letting my emotions and well being rise and fall with every lawyer update. I was so exhausted having my peace be dependent on circumstance when I know better. His peace and presence are actually the gift. I was so desperate for Him in that season and that posture of dependance grew my trust and intimacy. Words seem to fall short, because there is much more to say about what this looks like and I can assure you I didn’t do it well much of the time. Healing and trusting is just messy!

At the beginning of 2020 Sam and I made a choice to press in and allow more space for healing. We wanted to really know God, we wanted Him to show up and fight for us because we knew we couldn’t do it without Him. I didn’t want to waste this season and just get through it with my teeth clenched- I begged for God’s help to surrender and worship when absolutely nothing made sense. We had no idea the added insanity of Covid that was about to hit and what a wild year it would be for everyone for many many reasons! But I’m so glad God pushed us to process a bit more so that we can now celebrate the miracles more fully. When we finally got some breakthrough and the prayers were answered it truly didn’t feel real. When you wait for so long and then finally get what you’ve been waiting for you almost don’t know what to do, your life has revolved around this thing and then in a moment everything shifts. How do you transition well into a new season?

One of our biggest prayers in the last couple months was that we could fully celebrate and rejoice in this finalization. That we wouldn’t carry our baggage or disappointment and let it steal from the joy and all this day means! There is a sober acknowledgement of the loss and pain, yes, but that makes the thanksgiving deeper, the redemption more powerful. There is always hope with Jesus, for He himself is HOPE.

Let’s do this!!!!!