New chapter

We’ve been in Alabama officially for 9 months now. I was craving this fresh start somewhere, and now here we are and I find myself feeling awkward a lot of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I really love it here. It was the breath of air we needed after a long, hard season and I’m deeply grateful. I’ve felt more healed and hopeful than I have in a long time and I’m so confident in the Lord’s goodness.
But if I’m honest, part of me wanted to come here and just pretend none of the last few years happened. I noticed myself putting walls up and not wanting to meet anyone new because it felt too hard. I’m normally an open book, I like to go deep and move past surface conversations. I love to hear your story and share mine. But my story got so messy and hard to tell, it seemed easier not to. But then you get to a point in the relationship where it’s weird if you don’t and it feels like I’m leaving out such a huge part of our testimony. God has been convicting my heart to keep feeling, keep sharing even when it’s hard because our story points to Him.
I decided to write a short summary for any new friends who are interested. It feels really impossible to summarize quickly and I risk sounding cold when I do, but I figured I would try.

Sam and I became foster parents when we moved to Florida in 2015. At the same time, we got pregnant with our miracle daughter Eleanor. We had her and then decided to take our first long term foster placement when she was 3 months old (because we are crazy!) We said our yes to Jordan who was 5 months old, so we jumped into parenthood with two tiny babes. We had him in our family for a year and a half, much of that time it looked like we were adopting him, but his case took a turn at the end and he reunified with his birth mother in the Summer of 2018. It was hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done and there’s sooo much more to all of that (you’re welcome to keep reading this blog if you want the whole story). 3 months later there was an Amber alert with Jordans name, our very worst fears we’re coming true. He was missing and his mom made up a fake story about an abduction and had our whole town searching. It was a horrific weekend that ended with him being found dead in the woods. (You can Google the story about Jordan Belliveau. It’s still so painful for me to talk about that part) The truth was his mother had killed him and she was arrested and sent to jail where she will spend the next 50 years. She was 6 months pregnant with another baby at the time. It was all over the news, it was a nightmare, the worst pain I’ve ever felt. It traumatized and rocked our family. He was our baby boy for most of his little life and we felt helpless, angry and crushed. It got national news attention and we were thrown into the middle of it. During our grief and shock, we were clear about one thing- when we heard she was pregnant we knew we were supposed to adopt that baby. It probably sounded crazy and we had no idea how it would happen, but God did. He moved MOUNTAINS and none of it was easy, but that baby is our precious girl! We got her the day after her birth and finalized her adoption a year ago, Nov 2020. It was a loooong battle, but worth everything.

See what I mean about hard to summarize!? It feels awful to spring that story on anyone. In Florida everyone knew everything it seemed because it was all so public. Our friends there carried us and there was an unspoken understanding. But moving to a new place has been interesting. Sam and I are always wondering how to give the “lighter version”, but I’ve come to the conclusion that our story is just really heavy. That’s NOT to say it’s hopeless, because if you keep reading or talk to me about it in person I can tell you God was SO very present every step. There are so many details. I witnessed His presence and miracles like never before. Intertwined in the pain and devastation, there was beauty and joy and He is still redeeming. We never, ever walked alone. I’m learning to embrace grief and loss while still holding onto hope and I want to encourage others to do the same. I know so many people are hurting right now, our world is broken and there is a collective ache.
God is so patient, he’s never in a rush for us to hurry up and heal so He can use us for His glory. He cares about our wounds, our hearts. He wants to touch those aching places if we let Him and sit in the grief WITH us. Our story is not all wrapped up with a bow now that we have our girl. She is a gift and such a tangible, kind reminder of the Lords faithfulness. But there are still layers of hurt and it’s been a journey for all of us and will continue to be. We miss Jordan so much, we still talk about him often. And now we are praying for so much wisdom and grace as his sisters get older, it’s a lot to navigate and process as a family. I’m beginning to see just how much God wants to do in us and through us if we are willing.

Thank you for reading and being a part of our life, friends. The new ones and the ones who know this story well and held us up during that time. I’ve learned so much about community and leaning on each other in the last few years. I’m so thankful for the love and support we have felt, it’s truly beautiful. I’m not sure what He has next for us, but I know we can trust Him.

“Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord there is Faithful love. And with Him there is plentiful redemption” psalm 130:7