twins...sort of

I was up doing a middle of the night feeding with my daughter, which was nothing new but my mind was racing. I was talking to God about foster care, questions and what-ifs just spilling out. Part of me was glad it was still on my mind, I had this fear that once we had our baby it might be easy to slip into a comfortable routine and just keep putting it off, or even change our mind altogether. But that still didn't make it any easier. Wouldn't everyone think we were crazy?? We have a semi-high maintenance (call it fussy, gassy, colic-whatever! She's been tough folks) infant who is only a few months old. Plus Sam is military, he still does short deployments, we are so far away from all our family...we live in a small apartment...we have no idea what kind of child we will get or what needs they will have. Will that really be good for Eleanor? We don't really even know what we are doing as parents yet. Yeah we should wait...right God??

Sam pretty much told me whenever I was ready he was on board. We were so in love with our baby girl, she was our world and those first few months of becoming a family were SO sweet (fussiness and lack of sleep and all!). I'm thankful we didn't jump in sooner, because God knew we needed that time to rest and bond. We knew our hearts would only grow from here with the capacity to love more children. Still I wrestled with the decision so much. I couldn't let it go, yet I also couldn't get myself to jump in and go for it.  When Eleanor turned 3 months and I felt like I had gotten through the hormonal rollercoaster giving birth puts you through, I actually felt a lot of peace. It didn't make much sense, but Sam and I both felt so strongly like we were simply supposed to do this. I ended up getting a phone call out of the blue about taking a placement when Sam was on a two week deployment...and no, I didn't accept I'm not THAT crazy! Haha. But it gave me the push I needed to call and put our name on the list when he got back. It was terrifying. Not even a few hours went by before we started getting those nerve wracking phone calls. We said no to a few, because we wanted to be sensitive to the fact that we do have a baby and certain cases just wouldn't work for us right now, as hard as it is to ever say no. We really needed this decision to be led by the Lord. A few days later they asked if we would be open to an almost-6 month old boy who was being disrupted from another foster home. We asked a bunch of questions, prayed together and called back minutes later with a timid Yes. We were set up for babies right now and we had said we would prefer under 1 years old, seemed like a good fit. He would be here in the morning.

The emotions you feel leading up to the arrival are unreal. I was so scared, yet so excited I just couldn't sit still. I'm about to be a Mom of two. We cleaned the apartment like 3 times (since ya know, 6 month olds are really impressed by my throw pillows being fluffed and the mirrors being shiny), got a few last minute baby items from our church friends and waited. I'll never forget going outside to meet the case manager and seeing this little curly haired baby grinning at me, snotty nose and all. She handed him straight to me and it just seemed surreal. I felt like she gave me no information, which isn't exactly true but it was extremely minimal! She just handed me a baby and a small bag and it was like "any questions?". Ummm yes like a thousand. But this is foster care and I knew that. However there is such a difference between knowing something and then actually living it. She was gone in a flash and we just stared at this little dude, wondering so many things, but knowing it was now our job to learn him. He was ours right now to love and care for, no matter how long he was with us. We had TWO BABIES. Was this real life? Sam and I just kept looking at each other and laughing, because there really weren't words yet. He had to go to work in a few hours and it was just going to be me here. Next time I will have him take the day off for sure, but we are newbies so this is all good practice for the future. I had to just remind myself to breathe and pray short prayers that day. I decided to take them on a walk, him in the stroller and her in a wrap strapped to me. The fresh air and sunshine felt so good and they both seemed pretty happy so it was a win-win. This lady looked at me funny from her balcony and called out "Are they twins??" This was my first day and I didn't know what to say really. I replied "No...but it feels like twins!" with a laugh and she just looked even more confused. They were two months apart and both under 6 months...it hit me like a ton of bricks. I basically have twins. I'm insane. But at the same time I couldn't deny this is exactly where I was supposed to be.

Eleanor's birthday

Giving birth really is indescribable. While I was pregnant I did a ton of research (probably too much actually!) and talked to anyone I could about their "birth story" and experience. I wanted a natural birth so badly, if circumstances allowed, and I was going to prepare myself the best I knew how. We were blessed to live 10 minutes away from a birthing center and the day I found I was pregnant I set up my first appointment with a midwife. It seemed like the perfect fit since my husband wasn't quite on board with having our first child at home, and I wasn't too on board with a hospital setting. We loved our midwives and everything about the place! I can't recommend birth centers enough! I kept telling people it's like a cozy hotel. They made us feel so comfortable and educated about pregnancy and birth, we took classes and had appoinments (which to me felt more like chatting over coffee with a friend...how cool is that?).

When I hit 39 weeks I really thought I was going to have her any day. It consumed my thoughts and made me very antsy! You start thinking of every scenario like "what if my water breaks during church and I die of embarrassment?" or "what if I can't get a hold of my husband at work and he misses the birth?". But soon, I had reached my due date...then passed it by a few days and still no baby. I was getting annoyed. You feel tired, uncomfortable and huge! And I think what had me most concerned was that if I hit 42 weeks I had to be transferred to a hospital instead of the birth center...I was not about to let that happen! So I took everyones silly advice (once you reach your due date people feel the need to text you everyday with tips on how to get the baby out. Some days its funny, and other days you want to throw your phone.) Anyway, my sister in law Kailey was on her way from California to try to make it for the birth. She has had 5 kids and she's just one of my favorite humans ever! I was praying she could be my doula, but she only had a few days to stay with us. I went to my 41 week appointment and they confirmed my fear...I wasn't dilated and there was no progress. So we went on a long, hot walk (this is sweaty Florida and I'm a whale at this point) and Kailey gave me a pedicure that night. She said "just wake me up if you go into labor tonight" and I laughed sarcastically like "I wish!". 

Sure enough...bam! At 3:30am my water broke, which I hear is actually kind of rare. I woke up Sam, who sprung out of bed and called the midwife. She told us to go back to bed and rest because it would be a long, slow process. Well that was far from the truth, ha! Contractions began right away and they were strong and close. I kept thinking I was supposed to be playing cards and cooking, while I had this early labor part. But no, I was soon throwing up and then hunched over the exercise ball doing all my breathing and calming methods from class. I couldn't believe the pain was this intense already and I kept thinking "if I have to do this for 20 hours I will surely be dead". I did all I could to get through the next few hours, I got in the hot shower, timed the contractions on a fancy app, held Sam's hand, bounced on the ball and basically writhed in pain on the bed like a crazy person...all while breathing long, slow breaths and closing my eyes. Sam thought I should continue laboring at home, we didn't want to get to the birth center and have me be at a 3. But I just kept telling him "I think we should go soon, wake your sister up". Kailey came in to watch me go through contractions...she's done this a time or two so she knows! Eventually I told her I felt pressure in my butt and that seemed to be the magic words. We were off and into the car in 2 minutes! The contractions were so strong and painful, I was in my own world just trying to breathe and hold off on pushing this baby out in my tiny Nissan. I couldn't believe I already felt like I needed to!! I had no concept of time except for the fact that the sun was up. It was the worst drive. Ever! I hobbled into the center and the midwife checked me. At this point I think everyone was worried I was just being a wimp and had a lot more time to go. But hallelujah I didn't...I was at a 10!!! I believe her exact words were "welllll, your cervix is gone!", which really threw my husband off, but she cleared it up showing him 10 happy fingers and started filling up the tub. Ive never seen him so excited and giddy! Looking back it was so precious, but at the time I didn't have any energy to spare a smile. I had always wanted to have a water birth, but I never imagined arriving and immediately getting in the water and pushing!

I pushed for about an hour and a half. I have definitely never felt anything like that in my life! So. much. PAIN. Haha! But it was an empowering pain and it gave relief a lot more then contractions did. I remember when her head was crowning I said "ugh this is so uncomfortable", which had everyone chuckling and agreeing it was probably more then uncomfortable! Sam's encouragement and excitement really got me through, he blew me away the whole time. Best birth coach ever! I knew this was the moment we had been dreaming of and it was all going to be worth it to meet our sweet girl. I could do this, God designed my body to do this. Sure enough, her head finally was out and a few moments later her body! I delivered an almost 9 pound baby naturally...in water! It was truly, truly amazing. Sam kept calling me a badass, which I thought was so funny, but you do kind of feel like you could do anything after that. It was pure magic as they set her on my chest and I saw my husband tearing up and beaming-that first time Dad glow that you just want to remember forever. Eleanor June was born at 9:50am and she was 8.13 and 21 inches long. My total labor/delivery was like 6.5 hours! They felt the need to remind me I should be careful next time or I just might have her at home. After a few minutes Sam got to cut the cord and they gave her to him for some skin to skin time while I got checked and cleaned up and into the bed. The three of us got to snuggle together and let us be.

I will remember that painful, wonderful day for the rest of my life. The day I became a Mom. The day our prayers were answered and we were a family. Thank you Jesus for this gift. I won't take it for granted.

Respite

I had just hit the 7th month of pregnancy when we got the official phone call we had been waiting for...we were officially licensed Foster parents in the state of Florida! Woo! It was such a relief to hear those words we had worked for, waited for, prayed for. To see this dream and calling become a reality that we had to fight for. The phone calls immediately began, and I got a quick wake-up call. They were so heavy and overwhelming-on top of already being a little hormonal and very pregnant! The placement lady tells you a quick, often very heartbreaking overview of the child and the current situation and then simply asks if you can take them. It feels gut wrenching to say no, you feel like you would do anything to just make it work and not have to bare the thought of a sweet baby staying the night in an office or hotel room while they frantically try to find an open home. I felt confused and stuck...on one hand I wanted to jump in and say yes to every call, I mean after all God had clearly called us into this and this is what we had signed up for! But on the other side of things I'm so close to birthing our first child! It's not just about me anymore, I have to make a wise choice for our family. Was I being naive that I could do both?? The enemy tried to flood my mind with fear and doubts, and sometimes I will admit I took the bait. Sam and I talked things over, prayed a LOT and I just cried and wrestled with the weight of it all. I told the Lord one morning I would do whatever He wanted, whether that be to take a child in now or to wait, I just needed some clarity.  Not even an hour went by and we got a phone call to take a respite baby!

Respite care in the foster world is simply giving another foster family a break. Sometimes that means the family is going on a trip and not able to take the foster child with them, other times its for a family emergency, or simply just to support and let them take a deep breath. It can be anywhere from a couple days to a few weeks. We got asked to take a 7 month old boy for a couple weeks. My initial response was a little hesitant and prideful, something like "I want to do the real deal, not a babysitting gig". But I was quickly humbled as I realized how gracious the Lord was to give me an answer to prayer so quickly and allow us to get our feet wet and feel like we were still helping this ministry. I felt a lot of peace as we said yes and prepared to pick up the little guy. I was all smiles! He turned out to be the world's cutest baby (I think God was really trying to hook us in! haha!) It's truly amazing how attached and protective you feel so fast! After a few hours I was ready to keep him forever and just make sure he was loved and safe. It was the strangest thing to pick up a random baby from someone and become their full time Mom for a short time.

My routine quickly revolved around playtime, feedings and naps. I would never have traded that sweet time, it went by much too quickly. Having a foster baby on my hip, while carrying our own inside of me was a constant reminder of God's faithfulness. Seeing Sam jump into the Dad role and have so much fun, just increased my excitement about the future. It wasn't all sunshine of course, there were diaper blow-outs, crying spells and lots of projectile spit-up...but it was a quick glimpse into our life and it filled me with joy! Little dude ended up re-unifying with his birth mom and I got a very tiny taste of how hard the saying goodbye part of fostering is. I felt like a baby for crying and feeling so nervous when I dropped him off, I didn't even have him very long! But this is a huge part of foster care and it was so good for me to see. All you can do for these kids is love them hard while you have them, pray over them and trust that God has their lives in His capable, sovereign hands. 

While I don't know exactly how it's going to look from here on out (we are still on the list as available for respite and short term placements until baby comes), I do know I can trust in His plan for us and not try to jump ahead and figure everything out. We've been able to talk to other families about starting fostering and share our story. And there have also been opportunities for us to babysit for a foster family in our church. Either way we are so excited to be a small part of this ministry, even if it has looked different then we envisioned. Our little girl is just weeks away from being born and I truly can't wait to soak in this blessing and the wild ride of motherhood!

limbo

I feel like the last few months have been an awkward stage of limbo. There have been so many big things we're anticipating, but none of them have happened as I thought, and it's been breeding a yucky spirit of discontent in me. We've been waiting for our foster license to finally be official, we are currently house hunting (which quickly turns into a full time job!) and our sweet baby is due in just a few short months! I've been frustrated, feeling like I can't settle because I don't know whats going on...maybe part of that is the "nesting" thing they talk about in pregnancy. I would love to blame it all on that, but it's mostly because I'm a restless human trying to form all these great plans on my own, forgetting to rest in the presence of Jesus and trust HIM to take care of our day-to-day. I was very humbled the other night in my prayer time, just realizing that every single thing I'm "stressed" about is actually a wonderful thing, a beautiful answered prayer. Sure the timing of everything can seem slightly overwhelming and maybe the answer didn't look like I thought, but when I pause and look up I just have to be thankful. I was reminded that it's a gift and privilege to care for these children that will soon enter our home. It's a gift and privilege to be even considering buying our first home together (even if the process has quickly worn me out and our realtor is sick of my voice!). And the biggest gift is that we will soon have our first baby girl, Eleanor June and become a family. I know that this season is precious and I need to soak it in. I'm feeling God's presence in a whole new way as this baby grows and dances around in there!

6 months preggo

Another thing that has come to my attention in this limbo season is how quickly I run to other people, before I come to the Lord. We all have our "tribe", the people we feel comfortable texting at 2am, the ones that let us vent or give us advice when we need it. It's a huge blessing to have those people, don't get me wrong! It's just the fact that we often run to them first, when really we need to be still and listen to what God would say above anything else. It's so not easy, especially because listening for the Lord takes time and attention, that we can be so unwilling to give when we are frazzled or in crisis. I care so much about other people's opinions and how they perceive me, why do I value that so much? I've let people sway me even in our choice to pursue fostering. Even when I clearly knew it was from the Lord and felt His peace, when I took my eyes off of Him I got fearful. Fearful that people were right, that maybe it was going to be too hard. Maybe it will hurt our family and I won't be strong enough to handle such heavy burdens. We get cloudy and confused when we let too many voices in, even the well-intentioned ones.

I was reading Galatians 1:10 which says "Am I trying to win the approval of human beings or of God? Am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people I would not be a servant of Christ". 

I want to be more intentional about bringing these things to the Lord and hearing His voice as we make decisions. I'm not the author of my story but I know the One who is and I want to surrender to Him and His plan....because it's the best!

oh baby

I have always wanted to be a mom. I never really had huge career plans, I just knew I definitely wanted to get married and have a family. Lately, I wasn't totally sure how my motherhood journey was going to begin. We had taken the Foster plunge (see last post) and as much as I wrestled with that decision, eventually I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be. It was a wonderful feeling. Right away doors were opening with unique opportunities, and our licensing process was moving really quickly. Part of the reason for that being that we got connected to a family that was looking for a foster home for a sweet baby girl. It was looking like it may even turn into adoption. As many of you know with the foster/adopt world, I can't give much detail, but basically things were looking like we might be getting our first placement rather quickly-and it was blowing my mind that she could possibly be our daughter. We met her and lets just say my heart melted. And then my husband held her and it melted again into a pile of sappy mush! 

Time passed and we continued through the foster process and hit a lot of red tape with getting "baby girl". It was a lot of up and down and I felt pretty emotional about it, even though not a whole lot had even happened. My husband says it was a good "welcome to foster care" introduction for us! While all this was going on Sam left on a two week deployment for work. Now this is the big story twist...I had this weird feeling I was pregnant. I've had that feeling way too many times before and it always ended in disappointment so I was not wanting to even take the test. But I took one look at my calendar and realized how late my period actually was and gasped! So I took it. And it was an instant positive! I was shaking like a leaf and just staring in disbelief. I wish I could say I started twirling around and praising the Lord (I mean this is THE moment I've been waiting for!) but I actually just felt shock and confusion. It was almost like a "is this a joke?" moment. I just could not see how this was God's perfect timing, it seemed insane to me. I had finally surrendered my desires and taken this big step of obedience, towards a ministry I was becoming so passionate about. We were in the thick of our paperwork, and also thinking we might be getting this baby in a few weeks! I didn't think I could do both. I didn't think Sam would want to do both! (and why did I have to find this out right when he is going to be gone for 2 weeks?!)

my DIY mug to surprise the hubs

Somehow I kept this news from Sam until he got home...and let's just say that was the longest 2 weeks of my life! I just had to tell him in person and see his face. It was truly worth it=) By the time he got back I had settled down a bit, I had some time to process and let God speak to me. I felt so guilty for not being completely thrilled and ecstatic right off the bat! Sam however, did have this reaction so I was able to redeem that moment as I told him and we got to do the happy dance together! God is so good like that. I really am SO incredibly thankful for this precious gift and answer to prayer!! Seeing Sam react in such a positive way and be so excited about having a baby, and still be confident about our fostering decision was a beautiful thing for my heart...he is such a gem! While I was praying one day God had reminded me of how I had prayed for twins. This of course wasn't quite what I had envisioned, but hey it'll be two babies! I had to smile when that was one of the first things my husband said when I told him. He said "well wow, this will be like twins honey! Pretty cool". Soon after this we found out that we would not be getting "baby girl" after all, but we are in fact having a little girl in October! (*tears of joy*)

I've been saying lately that God sure has a sense of humor. And while I know that is true, He is also sovereign and knows what is best for us in every way. He knew the timing and details of our fostering journey and this pregnancy and He is not shocked. He has led us here and will equip us to handle the children he places in our homes. I was listening to a podcast this week and she had a quote she had heard that said "God will not lead us where His grace is not capable of keeping us". I know some people think we are a little crazy for going through with our license while pregnant, but my response is that God often calls us to super crazy things. Things that are way out of our comfort zone, things that require us to lean on HIS strength and grace in new ways. This is how we live out the gospel. There are still a lot of unknowns, but HE knows and His perfect love drives out fear.

the foster plunge

I'm really afraid of heights. To the point where I cried on a ferris wheel...and almost passed out on a hot air balloon ride. Its not my strong suit, but I have noticed that the more I step out and do these seemingly terrifying things, I become less afraid and more confident. Sure, my knees still shake a little, but I get more used to the feeling and I can remember all the times I've sucked it up and been brave. I've come to find that a lot of experiences involving heights are pretty worth it! I used to hate flying, but it gets me to my family and friends and saves me driving 2500 miles. Also, that hot air balloon ride was breathtaking and a memory I'll never forget. Along with many other hikes and climbs my husband talked me into, you just can't beat a view sometimes!

I feel like my walk with the Lord is similar in a lot of ways. He asks us to do something and we quiver in fear or pretend we didn't hear Him. But those times we obey and see that the end result is something truly beautiful, we get a dose of courage and excitement. Those moments build our story and we can look back and see how God came through for us in the past and that He is more then capable of handling our future.

Sam and I have always talked about adoption even when we were dating. I remember saying a year into our marriage "if we couldn't have our own children I think I would be fine with growing our family a different way". I soon realized that we did not so easily get pregnant, and I don't think I realized how painful the process would actually be. We wanted to have kids so badly and every month I felt crushed and a bitterness was growing. Everyone around me was pregnant and you just never think you are going to be the one struggling with infertility. We had recently moved to Florida and plugged into an awesome church. I was online one day and read an article about foster care and adoption. It got my wheels turning and I felt like God was trying to get my attention. I felt like the timing was strange and even a little rude, here I am in pain and you are wanting me to look into this?? I told God I would need some confirmation. Well sure enough that sunday at church it just so happens to be Orphan Sunday (what are the odds?) and the worship leader and his wife share about foster care and the huge, staggering need in our county. I'm instantly crying and having that heart thumping moment where you just know God is prompting and convicting you. They talked about a Christian organization out here called A Door of Hope and I was so drawn in by their mission statement and approach to foster care. I had never seriously considered fostering or even totally knew what it meant so it was all pretty new and overwhelming. I shared my heart with Sam later that day and he was very open, but a little overwhelmed himself. I decided to not be too pushy or crazy, as us wives can be, I knew God would bring us to a united decision if it was really what we were supposed to do.

So fast forward a week or so of me trying not to be totally consumed with all this. Its like once I heard all the crazy statistics, like babies sleeping in hotel rooms with case workers because they have no open homes for them, you just feel like you have to do something. I was wrestling with it too though, I kept asking God "are you sure this is the right thing?? Because parts of it seem really awful and painful! I don't think I'm strong enough, I've never even been a Mom!". But all the while I continued to watch Youtube videos, read every foster blog I could find and stalk a few Instagram foster moms for advice! I felt like I couldn't sleep some nights, I was getting excited and humbled at how God was breaking my heart for kids that weren't even mine. I met up with Alicia (who spoke at church and was currently getting involved herself) and asked her a million questions. She has become one of my dearest friends out here and I will always be thankful for the way she encouraged me into this! I explained that my biggest fear was giving these kids back, that it might be too torturous for a couple that so wants a family. I was more comfortable with the idea of adoption because its permanent. Fostering is just so unknown. So risky.

The day we finished our classes and training

Once Sam had time to pray and process everything, I saw him jump on board so quickly. We watched the promo video for Door of Hope and he cried (a rare occasion!) and shared his thoughts, which was just what my heart needed. I didn't want to push or convince him into this so I had kept my mouth shut for a while and let God work. And boy did He! As soon as we signed up for the Orientation it was like a whirlwind, but we felt SO much peace. I thought for sure Sam would get scared off, but it was quite the opposite. We both felt like we found such a tangible way to serve the Lord and this ministry is kind of "up our alley" in a sense. It's hard to explain to people sometimes and I'm not being naive, I know it will be an enormous challenge that will knock me to my knees. But I also know God has given us a love for working with kids and He can use our past hurts and trauma we've been through, our testimony, to make a positive difference. This agency is truly wonderful and everything is centered around the gospel, which I love. They teach that we are missionaries on a battlefield, and it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. They got us into fast track classes, we did mountains of paperwork and homework (no joke!), scheduled our home studies and had our interviews. Parts of it seemed absolutely crazy to me, like our licensing specialist taking the temperature of our hummus and jam to make sure our fridge was just right. But hey! I didn't really care, all for the cause.

I'm not gonna lie, its already been an emotional journey and we don't even have our first placement. I know we are on the cusp of something wild and crazy, and the enemy would love to sneak his way in and make me question it all. But we have really seen God work in the big and small details. When He asks you to do something, He is faithful to strengthen you for each day and pretty soon you feel like your excuses and fears are no longer valid! This will be a risky road and we will most definitely get our hearts broken, but that's the point. These kids need love and stability and attachment, even if for a short time. So here we go, cheers to new heights!

military wife life

Never in a million years did I think I would be a military wife. In my mind it just didn't fit us, the home-body, semi-hippie couple born and raised in southern California. I always admired military couples and thought they were an extra tough breed but the topic never got personal. Until one day. 

Sam and I have known each other since we were in jr. high but didn't start dating until we were 18. We dated for 4 years and both had various jobs and bounced around our local college, trying to figure out life. He started looking into the Coastguard, at first more out of desperation. He knew he needed a steady career if he was gonna pop the question and college wasn't really his "thing" at the time. He wanted something hands on. I of course hated the idea at first. I cringed, but told him I would pray about it. After resisting and crying like a baby but really feeling God's nudging, I told him "ok, I think we are supposed to do this". We both knew it was one of those life changing decisions, but it was hard to grasp what it really meant. Yet there was a peace in my heart.

After the initial decision, it felt like a whirlwind...and it really has ever since! The process moved quick and after we got engaged he was off to bootcamp. I'll never forget the phone call that told me we were moving across the country to his first station in Virginia! You know how you think you know what God's best is for you and then you are completely crushed and shocked when His plan doesn't match yours? That was me. I didn't want to move 2700 miles away, leave my family and friends, my comfort zone. I didn't want to step out into the unknown, because the unknown is scary and you feel like you have no control. I also found out he was going to be on a ship that was home for two months, and then gone for two months. Not the ideal schedule for a scared little newlywed, all the way across the world! (Yes, I was kind of a baby but God worked on me ok!)

It's funny even re-telling all of this, because I so remember how I felt. (I'm glad God is patient with us and lets us vent sometimes!) But now that we are almost 4 years in, I also know all that God has done in us and I would never trade it. In a sense it was exactly what we both needed for growth, maturity and learning dependence on Jesus. My intimacy with the Lord got to new level, because I was desperate for him. It has been sweet and shaping.

A while back God showed me a verse and it resonated so strongly. I was reading Romans in the message bible:

 "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave tending life. Its adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'what's next Papa?' God's spirit touches our spirit and confirms who we really are" Romans 8:15-16. I ended up writing a post on this verse for a friend a while back, and it always feels relevant to where I am. I so want to live this way, adventurously expectant! Knowing God is bigger then our fears, bigger then the unknowns, and He wants to grow us. If we let Him.